Breaking News: Reports of a possible missing person.
A stay-at-home mother from Sydney’s Insular Peninsula appears to have disappeared. The missing mother is known as a woman who quietly and boringly got on with her life as a housewife and children’s Uber driver. She was not known as social, being as she was mostly stuck in the kitchen and kitchen’s do not talk. Nor was she known as adventurous – going to Coles was a big day out – and those close to her say that she likely may, or may not have, left of her own accord.
The missing mother was released from her cage – err, household, last Thursday. She was sighted at Sydney Airport with a woman said to be an old friend from school. The old friend was allegedly feeding the poor unsuspecting missing mother champagne at 8.30am. It is not known if this friend is an accomplice, as she is also usually a mother at home, or if she is a suspect.
The missing mother and her friend were then seen at Auckland Airport, with yet another friend, who is a known policewoman, leaving the airport with a bottle of Tequila. Kiwi’s, cops and tequila – it is not looking good.
It is believed the missing mother was planning to attend a wedding. The word “Chenery” was overheard by witnesses on numerous occasions – detectives suspect this might be secret code for ‘Brewery’, which was the possible wedding venue, or it could be the bride’s name. Despite the alleged wedding being full of cops and lawyers, detectives are not holding out much hope that law enforcement would prevail. They know their own kind too well.
Local fisherman, next to the wedding location, believe they spotted the missing mother, although personality descriptions do not match accurately.
The missing mother’s family in Sydney said it would be very unlikely to be the same woman if she was seen dancing all night long and up on the stage pretending to be Salt n’ Peppa to the popular 80s song “Push It”. The family also refute claims that the mother would put a fluorescent pink mohawk on sideways for something called a “photobooth”, accidentally or not.
Nor would she ever be seen singing into love hearts on sticks, somewhat like a microphone, which the bride had painstakingly decorated her wedding venue with. Her husband said it was always, always, a wooden spoon or kitchen implement she sang into.
There have been suspected sightings of the missing mother back in Sydney. But the woman singing Whitney Houston while she baked, and dancing to Salt n’ Pepper while she vacuumed, did not resemble at all the drab woman who once stood in that apron in that spot, so those claims have been dismissed. Other reports say this same all-singing-dancing woman did not have a nightly glass of patience – err, wine – as the missing mother used too. Justifications along the lines of a detox of gin, tequila and other unremembered beverages, have also been dismissed.
The search continues.