So I have decided I need to learn it.
Especially at the moment because I have four little ones who are behaving like someone else’s children. You know, that naughty toddler throwing himself on the floor screeching in the middle of the school tour? Or, the child with the I’d-never-let-my-child-speak-to-me-like-that mouth on her? You see what I mean – not my children, clearly, imposters.
Emergency meditation needed, toot sweet.
So, this week I’ve have given my new mission a start. I set my intention (Guru Google told me this would be a good idea): To learn and practice and feel the benefits of meditation, mindfulness or, let’s face it, just plain old numbness will do.
And here is how we have progressed.
Strategy number 1.
Meditate first thing in the morning. I set my alarm – because that’s peaceful? – and am awake before the kids. So I lay there, as still as I can, in the darkness, in my nice, warm bed: Clear mind, clear mind, clear mind, blank space, I see nothing, I need to vacuum the floor, oops, I see nothing, I feel nothing, except a little bit of panic because writers group are coming here and I know there is a years-worth of pasta under the high chair. Oh, clear mind, clear the mind, blank space, feeling nothing, clear the mind, clear the floor, running out of time, what time is it?
Look at phone. All over.
Strategy number 2.
You can find moments to meditate whilst going about everyday life, I read. So I decide to cook dinner mindfully.
Chop, chop, chopping carrots, very orange, carrots. Chop, chip chop. With a blunt knife. Chopping beautiful carrots.
“MINE!” Hefty, two year-old limpet, pulling my skirt off. “LEASE. LEEEEASE!”
Now potatoes, peeling potatoes. Stroke, stroke, peel, peel, goodbye old skin, hello fresh flesh.
“MUM! HE HIT ME. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”
Peel, peel, peel.
“PUT MY SHOW ON – MUUUUUUUUUUM!”
Plop, plop, place lovely potatoes in boiling water. Or maybe throw vigorously. And maybe burn thyself.
Stop mindfulness to administer first aid.
Strategy number 3.
Meditate using a yoga DVD, at night, after the kidlets are in bed.
Sun salutations, up down, breathe. Up, down, breathe. Now this is a bit easier.
Twist, floaty music, twinkly voice lulling me off, twist the other way, breathe. Ahhh.
“Stupid computer, this Windows 8…” breathe, blocking out. Twist and breathe.
“Do you know where the internet security disk is? Those kids taking things… Stupid Windows 8…”
BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE.
Triangle pose with hands over ears. Breathing into the tight areas – TAP TAP TAP, “Do you know where the-“
Give up, drink wine.
In this week of meditation, I sent my daughter to school dressed for Whacky Wednesday on Tuesday, left my pram in a carpark, forgot an appointment, and wrote a chapter of my book that makes no sense at all – wouldn’t even be able to use it for Whacky Wednesday. Mindfulness = Forgetfulness.
So, perhaps not an entirely successful start. But I think I will continue to try.
Any tips for this mindless novice?